Learning to Suffer Soundly: an Essential Process

What I realized during my recovery from depression is that I didn’t know how to suffer. Like most people, I would eradicate the situations that brought me discomfort, pain, or suffering. Every person handles it differently, but the goal remains the same: to not feel pain. The problem with suffering is that we either try to avoid it, or we get used to it, or we fight against it, when in fact, suffering is part of life. It is the first feeling that we experience when we leave our mother’s womb, and it is also the last feeling that we encounter when we leave the Earth because no matter what is said, dying, even if it happens in our sleep, is always painful. Suffering allows us to grow, and growing always hurts. Through suffering we should gain wisdom and learn to live in harmony with ourselves, with God, and with others. Since suffering continues to be a great life lesson, we might as well learn to handle it in a healthy way.

Here are some key points that I uncovered during my learning process:

1. Break the Isolation

When we suffer physically, emotionally or spiritually, we tend to seclude ourselves. We start to move away from those around us due to pride, shame, or merely due to lack of autonomy. I remember that one day, in the midst of my depression, my pastor took me aside on a Sunday morning to encourage me, without knowing that I was depressed. I remember he explained to me that in the savannah, the predators always manage to get the weakest prey away from the group in order to facilitate the attack. The enemy of our souls uses the same strategy. He takes advantage of the fact that we are isolated in our corner when he attacks us. When we stay together, we are stronger and better equipped to face the enemy because we become less vulnerable to his assaults. By all means, when we suffer, we should seek to break our isolation and surround ourselves with our loved ones. Here is what Ecclesiastes says about this:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Eccles. 4:9-10, 12 NIV

So let’s jump out of bed, call each other, and meet up over a coffee! Okay?

2. Lamenting in Order to Avoid Self-Pity

Self-pity is an endless pit. ENDLESS! When we start to feel sorry for ourselves, and brood around feeding into our bitterness, surprisingly, we never stop. Our hearts harden, our thoughts become dark, and our speech is made up of only words of death. We may be under the impression that this self-pity is comforting to us⁠—when in fact, it only worsens our condition by dragging down our minds and souls into the mud. If we need to openly speak up about our pain, we can address our complaints to God who will know how to listen to us, lift our chins up, and even save us. King David and many other prophets in the Bible regularly lamented before God. The main difference between lamentation and self-pity is that the former produces hope in us whereas the latter kills us slowly. I encourage you to listen to this excellent teaching by Pastor David Pothier on the practice of lamentation.

3. Confront and Do Not Avoid

Now it gets even tougher… Avoidance! It is the ultimate defense mechanism against suffering. The issue with avoidance is that it is often the source of several addictions: affection (to avoid being alone), substance abuse (to avoid reality and/or pain; a need to feel numb), sexual (to avoid loneliness or discomfort; a need to feel numb or constantly feel ecstasy), excessive entertainment (including social media, to escape reality), video games (and the multitude of screens such as cell phones, also to escape reality), eating disorders (including over-eating of sweets, to indulge ourselves), excessive physical training or work (more avoidance!!!)… Everything becomes an excuse to avoid suffering… or boredom! The thing is, at the end of the day, none of these strategies really address the underlying issues that lead to suffering. The inevitable is just momentarily pushed back. So it is important to learn to confront the pain as soon as it knocks at our door instead of sticking our heads in the sand.

4. Acceptance, Not Resignation!

There is a difference between acceptance and resignation. When we accept a certain situation, we it let go. We recognize that we do not have control over the outcome, and we accept that. When we resign ourselves to a situation, we endure it with clenched fists. We are frustrated by the loss of control and we refuse to submit ourselves to whatever is happening. Apathy or addiction is another form of resignation that can be just as harmful. To give you an example, about 6 years ago when I was exercising, I injured my my sciatic nerve in my left leg. In the beginning I was in a bit of pain, but the anti-inflammatory drugs eased the pain, which allowed me to continue my training. Despite my injury, I kept training for about 3 months before it got so bad that my right leg started to compensate for it. This led to intense lower back pain as well as pain in both legs. Instead of caring for my injury at the very beginning, I just got used to the pain, which greatly worsened my situation. The best course of action would have been to recognize the pain, accept it, and look for solutions to fix it.

5. Battling With, and Not Against, Suffering

This key point is very subtle, but I will try to shed light on it by using an illustration so that you can see the nuance. When I was in Cegep, I had to complete two physical education courses as part of my academic curriculum. I chose Aïkido, because I am quite skilled in combat sports.

Unlike other combat sports, this Japanese martial arts aims to discourage attacks rather than defeat the opponent. The goal is to use the opponent’s own strength to destabilize them and then to control this force.

Translated from Coup de pouce

What I understood after my depression is that certain pains, situations, sufferings, experiences, however painful they may be, are necessary for growth and to move forward onto the next stage in life. When things aren’t going well at work, we are tempted to resign. If we have marital problems, we choose divorce. However, in certain cases, it is important to stay in the ordeal and fight: to fight against the ordeal and WITH the suffering. The enemy is not our suffering, but rather, the ordeal that produces the suffering. That is where the nuance lies. We must fight against the illness that produces pain. We must fight against the jealousy that brings along conflicts and wounds. But we should not fight the wounds. On the contrary, suffering is an indicator light that tells us that something is in the works: either good (growth) or bad (decay). As is seen with Aïkido, the goal of the combat is not to overcome suffering, but to use it as a lever to destabilize and control the real opponent. Above all, remember that in reality, the battle does not belong to you because if you make room for God to act, He will fight for you (Ex. 14:14a). With God on your side, victory is assured against your opponent time after time. But for this to work, you must give God total control and trust in Him.

6. Cultivating Gratefulness

I know… Much easier said than done… When we suffer, we don’t really feel like being grateful. This is totally true. One of my best friends has been suffering from rheumatoid arthritis for almost 15 years now. A few months ago, we were talking about the lessons that we have learned through suffering (trust me, this woman has a PhD in the art of suffering!). She said something that made me laugh in complete recognition.

She told me:

Thalie, I remember in the beginning of my illness, if there had been a Bible verse that I could have crossed out, it would have been the one that says: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” (James 1:2-3) When I would read this passage, I would get so upset! How is it possible to have joy in suffering? How can we thank God for pain? But today, I’ve grown so much. I see things differently. Everyday, I thank God for my husband and my children. Illness and hardship are just things that I need to learn to manage.

She said it all! In fact, when we suffer, we need to be intentional in our desire to be grateful. It is important to be grateful despite the pain and difficulties. Be specific, and set a goal such as, for example, 3 things to be grateful for each day. Set aside a specific time of day to reflect on what you have received or been blessed with, and take the time to thank God. At first, it can be the little things (ie. coffee, clothing, a home…) just to get the ball rolling. As time goes by and as you give thanks to God, your hearts and your eyes will open up to His blessings and you will feel deep gratitude towards God for your life, for your family, for your income, for the beautiful season, for the not-so-beautiful season, etc.

7. Trusting God

If one of the bible verses that really frustrated my friend was James chapter 1, verse 2 and 3, then the one that annoyed me the most during my depression was Romans 8 verse 28: “We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are chosen to be a part of His plan.” I just couldn’t stand it when people would say this to me! This verse is like a pair of shoes that can be worn for any occasion. When people don’t really know what to say about your suffering, they throw this verse at you, hoping that it will bring you some sort of consolation… Well sorry to say, but nope! The truth is that this verse only makes sense AFTER we have gone through the fire, when we are able to see how God has indeed turned the situation around in our favour. The key in the midst of suffering is to trust in God and to continue to trust in Him until the very end. It’s okay to not really understand or appreciate the process. But deep down, we know that even when God allows for trials to happen, even if He is not the instigator, He will always work things out in our favour.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17: 7-8, NIV

Knowing the Difference

This is a warning to those who might wrongly interpret this teaching and think that since it is God’s Will that we are suffering, then we should therefore not seek to alleviate our pains. WRONG! Even in the midst of tribulations, the Bible tells us that God has plans of goodness, and not of misfortune for His children (Jer 21:11). Suffering was not part of God’s original plan. Suffering only entered the world following the disobedience of Adam and Eve (Gen 3). Although lessons can be drawn from it, suffering is not a goal in itself. Jesus came, He suffered on the cross, and He died and rose again so that we could have life with abundance (John 10:10). He suffered so that we would be healed and so that we could benefit from His victory over death (Col. 2:13). We are therefore no longer condemnable. We can (and we should) pray for healing, take the epidural during childbirth if we want to, take medication, and seek treatment when we are sick. A woman (or a man) who suffers physical, psychological or economical violence from their partner should get out of the toxic relationship. A child shouldn’t suffer from physical, psychological or economical abuse by the hands of a parent or any other person in a position of authority. It is important to fight to get out of these situations and never accept to be subjected to abuse.

Therefore, let us place ourselves in a combat position to overcome trials with the knowledge that ultimately, it is God who will fight for us and that all we need to do is show up on the battlefield with total trust in Him (Deut 3 : 22).