When the Need for Justice Makes Us Suffer

Justice is a visceral desire that emanates from the hearts of human beings. When someone attacks us or someone we care about, we demand justice for the wrong that has been done. Yet life is unjust, and we rarely receive compensation for the wrongs we have suffered. What happens when the need for justice keeps us prisoner of the fault committed, of the past, or of our abuser; and that need for justice causes us much more suffering than the wrongdoing itself?

When the Need for Justice Becomes an Obsession

Night had fallen, and I was wandering the city streets alone under the dim amber hue of the flickering streetlights. Half a dozen men, all dressed in black and armed with daggers or small knives approached me. They surrounded me by moving forward in a threatening manner. I knew they wanted to take my life. I couldn’t see any of their faces—only dark figures hidden under large black hoods. They were heckling obscenities, but I was not afraid. I shouted to the one who appeared to be the leader of the gang and who stood right in front of me:

“What?! You want to kill me? You want to take my life the way you did Kevin’s? Go ahead, come closer! Do you really think that I am afraid of you?! I have nothing to lose! C’mon! Stab me in the heart with your dagger. Know that your hands will forever be stained with my blood. The earth will hold you accountable for the blood that you caused it to swallow, and you will be damned—you and your family. Do what you have to do so that I can haunt you even after your death, and may God grant me justice!”

My heart was racing. I could see them retreating one by one, but the leader of the gang wasn’t moving. He was clenching his fists, hesitant to make a move. Suddenly, I had a gun in my hand. As I was about to aim my gun at my target (which was either the man or my temple, I hadn’t decided yet,) I awoke with a jolt; my body and sheets were completely soaked in sweat.

Injustice, Mourning, and Depression

Almost every night since Kevin’s death, I had nightmares of me using knives or guns to kill bad men. Sometimes I’d take my opponents down by punching them or kicking them. I slept very little, but every time I managed to fall asleep, my dreams became more and more violent. It’s as if I was searching for a way to bring justice in my dreams: not just for Kevin, but also for all of the other injustices I had suffered in the last few years.

Barely a few weeks after the tragedy, a driver started firing projectiles at my car for no reason as I was driving home from work. Despite filing a complaint with the police and having another driver witness the incident and back me up, the bad guys got away yet again. Once again, justice was not served.

Following these unsettling events, my soul was very agitated while I was still struggling with a depressive disorder. However, my sister and I were immersed in the funeral preparations, and I was still unable to mourn my nephew with whom the Jean-Charles family and I were just beginning to bond with.

Kevin’s Assault

Kevin was the second to last son of one of my older brothers. Kevin and his sister were raised by their maternal great-grandmother, and we had little contact with them until they became adults. On Easter weekend 2018, two days after celebrating his older sister’s twenty-fifth birthday with family, Kevin was on his way home around 9pm when a gang of hoodlums stabbed him and left him for dead in an industrial neighbourhood in Montreal’s east end.

The first responders arrived at the crime scene about 20 minutes after receiving a providential call from a citizen who thought he had run into a drunk who had collapsed on the road. It was the police who got to the lifeless body of my nephew lying in the pouring rain and who attempted the first resuscitation efforts. They estimated that the time between the attack and the citizen’s call was at least 20 minutes. Nevertheless, they managed to get his heart beating again, not once, not twice, but four times within twelve hours, which is extremely difficult for a damaged organ.

The Nightmare Begins

It was in the middle of the Thursday night before Good Friday when I was woken up by a phone call. It was my older sister breaking the bad news to me. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. She kept telling me, “Pray, pray!” but I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t know what to ask God for or how to do it. The only words that I could articulate in that moment were: “He cannot leave now, he does not know You, he cannot leave now.” I immediately went to the intensive care unit where one of my sisters, my brothers, and my niece were waiting to receive the medical prognosis regarding Kevin’s chances of survival.

It was an intense trial of faith, emotional management, and sobriety… I mention sobriety because I believe that when stress reaches its peak, all we want to do is decompress by any means imaginable, but we must keep our minds sharp and avoid any substances that could impair our judgment. It was a nightmarish and surreal experience… In short, we were all at wit’s end of what we could bear in such a short amount of time. We had mobilized our entire prayer network to pray for Kevin to defy the statistics and live. Prayers poured in from everywhere: from social networks, from phone calls, from family units, from churches, from the United States and from France⁠—all hearts were united for Kevin’s survival. A pastor from La Chapelle Church even came to support us spiritually as we were waiting.

Good Friday, a Miracle Happens

After spending twelve hours in the intensive care unit, I went home to rest for a while. It was really strange: I was physically exhausted, but the adrenaline was so high that I couldn’t sleep or eat. Also, I was convinced that I had to fast in order to cope with this spiritual ordeal. It was as if I wanted to create the perfect conditions to effectively communicate with God for Kevin.

Around 3pm, as I lay in bed and still couldn’t fall asleep, I received a text message from my younger sister telling me that Kevin had opened his eyes. My first reply to her was tinged with skepticism: “Yes, involuntary movements are common in comatose patients.” A few minutes later, she replied:

“He is communicating with his mother. The police want to ask him questions.”

He is speaking?!!

I just couldn’t believe it! To tell you the truth, he was intubated, so no, he did not speak, but he understood everything that was going on around him, he recognized everyone, and he was able to communicate. After four resuscitations and with a brain lacking oxygen for at least 45 minutes, he had woken up! I was so surprised that I couldn’t even get myself to thank God. Like Thomas, the disciple of Jesus, I was in disbelief. I had to see it with my own eyes. When I was back at the hospital, the doctors allowed me to spend a few minutes with him. He was alert and he seemed to recognize me.

The Calm Before the Storm

What a relief! God had answered us! Kevin wasn’t out of the woods yet, but he was back with us. Good Friday now reminds me of two happy events: my nephew’s return to life, and the crucifixion of Jesus that re-establishes the connection between God the Father and me.

Unfortunately for us, it was but the calm before the storm. There were several complications in the hours that followed. On Saturday afternoon, Kevin had to be transferred to another hospital better suited to his needs. In the evening, as the situation seemed to stabilize, we returned to our respective homes leaving his sister, his father, and his mother at his bedside.

Easter Sunday, He is Gone

As I was about to walk through the door to enter my church, I received a message telling me that I needed to get to the hospital immediately. When I got there, family was gathered in a small room with the surgeons and doctors who looked after Kevin. The news was not good. We were told that if Kevin’s heart stopped again, with our permission, the medical team would no longer attempt resuscitation and that it was time for us to start saying goodbye.

Kevin left us around 3pm in the afternoon. We were more than forty people gathered around his bed to accompany him on his last trip. There were even people on the other end of the phone praying for his salvation and for the family. It was really beautiful and heartbreaking to see. So much love for a young man of 23 years old who had so much to live for, yet, who had to leave…

The Need for Meaning and Justice

All through the funeral arrangements, I kept telling myself that it didn’t make any sense. Why did he come back if he had to die? Why him and not me? Why did he have to leave so young? What justified taking his life? During the day, I would question myself, and at night, I violently demanded justice in my nightmares. Eventually, I discussed this with the officiant, the pastor who had spiritually accompanied us at the hospital. We prayed together and I, in turn, was able to be strong for my brother and my nephews through this ordeal.

God is Justice and Love

A few days ago, I began to meditate on verse 17 of the 1st chapter of Paul’s letter to the Romans. He writes:

For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.

Rom 1:17 KJV

In the context of the letter, Paul tells us that the righteousness of God is revealed through the gospel of Christ. In other words, what he is explaining to us is that the story of the salvation of mankind through the death of Jesus (the Gospel) shows us the love and justice that God has for us. This implies several things for us today. Here are three of them:

1. God is Justice and Love.
2. If we demand justice for the wrong that is done unto us, we must also agree to receive punishment for our own faults.
3. We have already received God’s justice.

God is Just

And it is because of the justice that emanates from His character that the fault of humanity had to be paid at all costs. Because He loves us with an extravagant love, He accepted to take on the form of a man, to bear the sin of all humankind, and to pay the price for our faults, by taking our place and dying on the cross, so that all could be justified. Today, if we believe that God came to Earth, that He lived among us, that He suffered, and that He died: we are justified.

The Law of Retaliation: An Eye for an Eye, a Tooth for a Tooth

God is just but we are not… unless we perceive that His death on the cross justified us. That being said, on this earth, we do wrong as much as we are subject to it. In His righteousness, if we choose to live according to the law of retaliation, we must also accept the punishment for our own sins. But why would we choose this if Jesus has already paid for everything? My faults, your faults, and those of others too. He has paid the price for everyone living across centuries past, present and future… even Hitler! All it takes is to accept His righteousness, love, and forgiveness by faith. By believing in this, we receive God’s righteousness by faith, and we live by it. Therefore, we can no longer ask our offender to give us an eye for an eye or a life for another.

Justice and Forgiveness

Does this mean that we should give up prosecuting our aggressors or that we should simply forget that it happened? No, God’s justification erases the fault, but we still have to bear the consequences of our actions whether they are good or bad. Also, I don’t forget Kevin or his attackers. I have forgiven them, but I continue to believe that they must appear in court because we live in a state of law that considers murder to be a criminal offence punishable by incarceration. Just because we receive divine justice does not mean that we should renounce institutional justice.

The forgiveness that I have given to Kevin’s attackers consists of forsaking all bitterness, animosity, and all anger against them by allowing the Spirit of God to work in me to heal me and allow me to move forward (Eph. 4:30-31). I invite you to listen to Pastor David Pothier’s teaching (in French only) on what forgiveness is to better understand my approach.

A Prayer for You…

Papa, I pray especially for the person who is reading this text today and who is experiencing anger, pain, bitterness, resentment, anxiety, depression, mood disorders, or any form of suffering related to an injustice done unto them or to a traumatic event that they lived through. I pray that through Your love you would hold them in Your arms, console them, and free them from mental, physical, or spiritual imprisonment. I believe that You are the God of Justice and that You suffer with us when we go through painful moments. I believe that Your righteousness is perfect, that we have already received it through the death of Your son Jesus on the cross, and that when we will be reunited with You, we will be able to take full advantage of it. Keep this person close to You, Father, and guide them on the path that leads to their heart’s complete restoration. I pray these things in Jesus name. Amen!